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The Theoretical Conspiracy about Conspiracy Theorists


Did you ever notice how I incessantly babble about those crazy "conspiracy theorists" as if I'm not one of them? As if I look down at those conniving conspiratorial crapheads? It dawned on me one day (actually just last night!) that they're not "out there" hiding amidst the masses, but they're "in here." Right inside my own head! Yikes! I'm one of them! Here I was -- ridiculing them, conspiring against them, slinging mud at those pathetic losers, and it turns out I'm one of those bloody wretched leeches! Alright, I never actually joined the club (because I refused to pay the dues), but evidently I inadvertently weaseled myself through the door and didn't realize it – 'til it was too freaking late. Alright, I'm not the overly anally-retentive cynical type, but I'm the more sphincterly-relaxed, ambiguously open-minded type. Whatever that means.

Anyway, I have a crazy conspiracy theory about those other type of wretched, blood-sucking conspiracy theorists. They're all freaking phonies!!! For the most part I don't think they believe their own pathetic conspiracies -- unless they're dementedly crazy. Which they probably are anyway. You see, I completely stand behind my own theoretical conspiracy! So I'm not like them. They just like to cram random words together, imagining they're great masters of wordsmithery and verbacious verbalators of vivacious verbiage. They're yucky yacking yammerers. They like to babble and hear themselves run off at the mouth, spewing mindless nonsense all over the place, literally regurgitating everything that's off the top of their freaking head as if they were precious gems of wisdom. Holy crap! That sounds like me!

Okay, time to correct that bodacious blunder. Actually, I like to think of myself as a self-styled conspiracy analysts, which means I don't so much as create my own wild and crazy theories about potential conspiracies, but I carefully analyze existing ones, and based on these insane statistics, then I form my own articulated wildly deranged conspiracies. Like the one mentioned above about conspiracy theorists mindlessly babbling incessantly without believing in anything in particular.

Actually, I suspect what is happening is that these conniving covert reporters of putrid crapola are being paid to write and report they're freaking conspiracy theories to the unsuspecting gullible masses, because they want the money and they don't care what they spew out to get it, so being biased in any particular issues would be their downfall. They can't be partial or averse to favoritism or they won't get paid. They have to be prepared to write against the war in Iraq one day, and write for it the next. They must vehemently yammer trash at the pro-choicers in one article and vivaciously harass the pro-lifers in the next.

They have to be mindless robots without their own opinions clogging up the works. They have to be unprincipled, immoral, deceitful, diabolical inferior scum-suckers of the Earth. They have to have absolutely no conscience, no predisposition, no predilections to a specific cause, no sense of self-righteousness, no morals, and no personal crap. They just gotta blindly write what "The Man" says. If you can figure who that is. Usually it's Big Brother, whoever that is these days.

But these bloodthirsty journalistic cutthroats have to be cunningly clever, because they can sound very enthusiastic and convincing about one particular side of the argument, while actually being lethargically detached, because their motivation is payment in full. Plus there's an extra incentive. These conniving clowns just love to play mind games with people, so they annoyingly continue babbling devious drivel to get everyone outrageously paranoid to where they think the world is coming to an end, or that aliens are going to invade the planet, or that some hidden government is pulling the strings so they can take over the world and make us miserable slaves, or that Satan's face was seen in a big black cloud caused by an oil refinery that blew up, or that Batboy joined the Navy, and all the other stupid crapola you hear from these idiotic tabloid-spewers. Yes, folks, it's blatantly true, most of this putrid sludge you'll find in the freaking tabloids, those phony-baloney scam-rags, if not in an occasional blog here and there. Huh, what?

Yep, it's all for the glory of playing mind games with the gullible humanity at large, because these slithering snakes-in-the-grass thrive on the giddy feeling of having control of people's meager lives. But like any intelligent conspirator, they want to get paid for their effort, which is their prime motivation. But . . . I suspect these conspiracy nut-jobs just may know something we don't, something "they" don't want us to know about! Hmmmm… what could it be?

So my question is, who's paying them? Is it those suicidal End-Timers that want to drag all of humanity down the drain with them? Is it the invading aliens from Mars? Is it the hidden government that's taking over the world? Is it Satan? Or Ensign Batboy?

Or do the conspiracy theorists themselves have a secret cabal where they meet monthly and discuss all these insane agendas, or at least make the unsuspecting na´ve public think that everything on the planet is going hideously wrong simultaneously, while they sit back and laugh at us for being so stupidly gullible and naive? All they need to do is feed us heaping helpings of fear and paranoia! That's it! These clever contrivers and mind-manipulators are the REAL masterminds running the world!

Yep, quite a wicked conspiracy web I'm weaving here, isn't it? Pretty outrageous! Plenty of fear and paranoia to go around for everyone. But -- what if it's all true?!?!

It may be outrageous, it may be preposterous, it may be full of total crap -- but that's my conspiracy theory and I'm sticking to it!

That's enough for now. Time for me to get back to the arcane meeting room and discuss more radical anarchical conspiracy theories with the rest of my fellow co-conspirators!

This article was first published in an earlier version of Zones Unknown on March 3, 2007, but it has been recently revised for your updated pleasure.

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